Meanderings…

A maddening, sleep-depriving restlessness. Can’t concentrate on reading, music, lose count of sheep counting at 4912 (backwards from 5000). Everyone is asleep or busy or drunk or depressed. Tonight I feel the loneliness. The loneliness of having only yourself. Irutinilae nee nadakaiyile, un nizhalum unnai vittu vilagividum. Nee mattum dhaan indha ulaginilae unakku thunai endru purindhuvidum. (When you walk in the dark, even your shadow abandons you. You realise you are your only companion in the world.) The lyrics that seemed so cynical now begin to make sense. The loneliness of being trapped in yourself–it’s so overwhelming. Maybe that’s why we manage to forget it most of the time, to stay sane. Maybe that’s why we’re so desperate for love, from whoever, in order to forget that loneliness that can gulp you whole.

What do I want? Where is this headed? Why wasn’t I consulted before having life thrusted upon me? There’s a confusion, a sense of utter senselessness in EVERYTHING. I’m a little child throwing terrific temper tantrums, a moody teenager, an angry young woman, an overworked middle-ager, a tired old woman all at once. I suddenly feel over-dramatic and stiflingly repressed. Where do these emotions come from? Do you feel it too? Does anybody?

Where are we headed?

WHO are we?

Laziness is truly underrated. As a society we have become slaves to this thing called hard work (more picturesquely and reduplicatedly [is that even a word? Hmm, well now it is.] termed “surusuruppu” in Tamil). Apparently it’s so misunderstood that certain people even group it under a list called the “Seven Deadly Sins” where laziness in the name of Sloth parties with other cool doods like Lust and Pride. Well, forgive me, for I have sinned! In fact, I’ve been  sinning all my life!

See, this is part of the whole “banning the good things in life” conspiracy that people indulge in. Like the whole hullabaloo over Valentine’s Day in Karnataka (which, hellooo…?, goes on in a smaller, quieter way all the time in Singara Sennai anyway!) Because laziness is fun. It’s cool. Everyone wants to do it, but few can perfect it to an art form (as I have) (modest smile).

Ok, I can hear a few disbelieving snorts. See, this is what I mean by laziness being misunderstood. You disbelieving-snorters must be wondering what could be so challenging about sleeping in, lying about all day and postponing/not even thinking about all that work you have to do. Now, I’ll give you that a person who does these things is undoubtedly lazy. But she’s not Lazy. She has not committed the sin of Sloth. She will not hang out in hell with the Lustful Ones and the Proud Ones. No indeed. What she will do is put on a couple of kgs, develop bed sores or die when no one was looking (depending on how lazy she is.)

So, you ask, your disbelieving snorts turning into expressions of puzzlement, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU RAMBLING ABOUT, YOU PRAT?! Ah, well, *stalls while furiously flipping through notes for the point* I mean… Ah yes! those of the capital-L ilk of the Slothful have certain qualities which the average beach bum does not. (No offence to beach, or any other kind, of bums.) See, these creatures have a certain air about them that doesn’t just come from living in close prximity to unmade beds or overflowing workspaces or cobwebby ceilings. No, that air of indolence, of otiosity, of sheer fainéance (yes, yes, I do have thesaurus.com open in a parrallel tab. So, you learned some new words, don’t grumble! ) that surrounds the Idler has a deeper, more profound reason. You see, “Laziness if not a state of being, it is a Way of Life”*. To achieve that transcendental state of Languour, you must free yourself from those troublesome bonds that plague human beings on earth–the curse of the Mind. Yes, the mind is a great deterrent to Laziness. It clouds your judgement and obscures the world of Matter, which is where one must dwell. The mind, it does the one fell, evil thing that condemns you to the base land of the Small-L: It makes you think!

Ah, yes, now you see it–we reach the heart of the matter! So, one may sit around doing nothing, but at one point, the Mind worms its dark tentacles to wrap you in a death grip. You begin to worry or think or (gasp!) get BORED! And so, one more falls.

And this is where the Lazy ones differ from ordinary mortals. By a set of methods that are so complicated that they became so easy that only the truly lazy can perceive them, it is possible achieve the divine Way of the Niryawna. Here, the mind is shut off, as definitely as a laptop with no battery or a government office during lunchtime. Such a Non-Mind will not allow the smallest twig of worry or the softest whisper of a thought to disturb it. Not only does it not allow anything to distub it, but is like the still, sluggish surface of a swamp on a hot day: stewing in its own juices and swallowing anything that comes its way so no trace of the disturbance is left!

Once this state of inertia is achieved, the Lazy one may go for hours and hours with absolutely no thoughts, no worries, nothing even remotely resembling an action. The Non-Mind is blessedly blank, snoozing away. And this is not as boring as it sounds (besides, the fact is that the Blessed are beyond boredom, remember?) One may stare at a screen/page for hours while nothing is going on behind the eyes. One may appear to be listening intently to a conversation/lecture while secretly sleeping in one’s head. Of course, one may decide to descend upon Earth once in a while, out of pity for the unfortunate mortals, but this is entirely optional.

Ah. Bliss.

And that is why We the Languourous are envied. Jealous-ed, even. And, inevitably, persecuted. Sigh. I hope you realize the dangers I have put my own Rest to by trying to enlighten you! But never mind, my child. The Snooze forgives.

Now go read the Ode to Indolence

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*The Holy Snore-Yawn, Chapter 1, verse 24: And so the ‘N’lightened One said unto them, “Go forth and slumber, ye  bustling hordes, for Laziness is not a state of being but a Way of Life.”

Well, it’s been a month since my last post. Questions of whether my blog has been abandoned have begun to be asked by the privileged (ha. ha. ha.) few who read it. So here I go…

There’s been so much to write about, ranging from the light-hearted, to the giddy, to the sickeningly depressing. And sometimes, when you have too much to write about, you end up not writing at all. Oh, plus I’m so lazy Anyway, moving on…

Looking back at my last post, I realize how silly we human beings are. We live in a world that is so much our own creation and then have all these huge arguments about who created it, how it should be, who has more power, etc. Now, I’m not talking about anything so profound as whether there is a god or not. I’m talking about the simple fact that our ideas of time and space and all that crap are just that–our ideas, not some universal truth. Ok, take ‘time’ for example.

So, we celebrated the new year, hoped it was a new beginning and life would become wonderful again/more wonderful. But the fact is, time is a human invention, isn’t it? If we didn’t mark it with new years and deadlines and almanacs, it would  just be a huge blob that passes by without our even noticing it. And we know all this! Even if we’re not aware of that knowledge, we know it. Yet, we get caught in that very trap. We hope for “new beginnings” even though nothing is really new. The irony is that, things are just getting older with every “new” year. The same things continue to happen, life still doesn’t really have any meaning other than what we give it, and yes, people still catch colds. Still no cure for the common cold.

And yet we continue to do it, continue to fool ourselves. Continue to believe that the little imaginary marks we make on the huge puzzle that is time mean something real in the world. But then, we human beings are and have always been good at self-deception. I think that’s our greatest strengh. We can believe that we as a species are essentially, “naturally” good even though good/evil is our own invention. We can shut our eyes to truth and reality while claiming to be engaged in an investigation of that very truth and reality. Yes, self-deception is our greatest strength.

It’s why we, the weaklings of Nature, still survive.

Ah. Cheerful.