restive
A maddening, sleep-depriving restlessness. Can’t concentrate on reading, music, lose count of sheep counting at 4912 (backwards from 5000). Everyone is asleep or busy or drunk or depressed. Tonight I feel the loneliness. The loneliness of having only yourself. Irutinilae nee nadakaiyile, un nizhalum unnai vittu vilagividum. Nee mattum dhaan indha ulaginilae unakku thunai endru purindhuvidum. (When you walk in the dark, even your shadow abandons you. You realise you are your only companion in the world.) The lyrics that seemed so cynical now begin to make sense. The loneliness of being trapped in yourself–it’s so overwhelming. Maybe that’s why we manage to forget it most of the time, to stay sane. Maybe that’s why we’re so desperate for love, from whoever, in order to forget that loneliness that can gulp you whole.
What do I want? Where is this headed? Why wasn’t I consulted before having life thrusted upon me? There’s a confusion, a sense of utter senselessness in EVERYTHING. I’m a little child throwing terrific temper tantrums, a moody teenager, an angry young woman, an overworked middle-ager, a tired old woman all at once. I suddenly feel over-dramatic and stiflingly repressed. Where do these emotions come from? Do you feel it too? Does anybody?
Where are we headed?
WHO are we?
Very expressive post. it is a lethargic state when you dont even want to be cheered. ‘Do you feel it too?’ doesn’t everyone at some point?
materialmom
March 1, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Life is quite absurd.
And there is nowhere to hide.
N
March 3, 2009 at 7:16 am
I suppose they do, materialmom, but at that moment, it seems as though you’re utterly alone even in feeling such things. I guess that’s where we’re not alone–all of us are in this mess together, whether we realise it or not.
You can say that again, N.
Jan
March 4, 2009 at 8:40 am
hi da kanna! in tat kadaisi stanza (or is it paragraph as per purists?) i cud just imagine u metamorphosising into all those characters u mentioned
semma fun!!!
its even more fun wen i see it happen non sequentially
and yes, i accept ur “thanks da anna” for that oru naalil song
although u havent explicitly mentioned it…
so i heard u won the class president elections? grt goin dude! i received the birthday present u sent me… it is nice… but i have always preferred the color blue instead of pink…
so send me a blue i-pod…
anna
March 4, 2009 at 7:49 pm
it is interesting when you say “I’m a little child throwing terrific temper tantrums, a moody teenager, an angry young woman, an overworked middle-ager, a tired old woman”
and the questions at the end..very reminiscent of gauguin’s http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Woher_kommen_wir_Wer_sind_wir_Wohin_gehen_wir.jpg
and in his own words, “a strange white bird (in the painting)…represents the futility of words”
not the first time the questions are asked..and not the last i’m sure..
blog-hopped
gnothi seauton
March 12, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Uh huh. Beautiful but uh huh. What happened to you!?!? And why did you not call me? You could have been one of the people on the phone, right?
Vaish
April 2, 2009 at 4:01 pm