Meanderings…

A maddening, sleep-depriving restlessness. Can’t concentrate on reading, music, lose count of sheep counting at 4912 (backwards from 5000). Everyone is asleep or busy or drunk or depressed. Tonight I feel the loneliness. The loneliness of having only yourself. Irutinilae nee nadakaiyile, un nizhalum unnai vittu vilagividum. Nee mattum dhaan indha ulaginilae unakku thunai endru purindhuvidum. (When you walk in the dark, even your shadow abandons you. You realise you are your only companion in the world.) The lyrics that seemed so cynical now begin to make sense. The loneliness of being trapped in yourself–it’s so overwhelming. Maybe that’s why we manage to forget it most of the time, to stay sane. Maybe that’s why we’re so desperate for love, from whoever, in order to forget that loneliness that can gulp you whole.

What do I want? Where is this headed? Why wasn’t I consulted before having life thrusted upon me? There’s a confusion, a sense of utter senselessness in EVERYTHING. I’m a little child throwing terrific temper tantrums, a moody teenager, an angry young woman, an overworked middle-ager, a tired old woman all at once. I suddenly feel over-dramatic and stiflingly repressed. Where do these emotions come from? Do you feel it too? Does anybody?

Where are we headed?

WHO are we?

Riding on the bus on a cold winter evening… The sun has set and it is dark outside. You surprisingly have a seat all to yourself. A jacket keeps you warm and toasty while soft, guitary music plays on your headphones. You slide to the closed window and look out… The world is rushing by in a series of silhouettes lit up in flashes by lights from warm homes and warm windows. You feel a moment of peace and satisfaction as you sit there in the dimly lit bus. With your fellow passengers all around you, the sense of simultaneous comfort and aloneness is heightened, like you’re in your own cozy bubble among a million bubbles.