Meanderings…

I always get a strange, surreal feeling when I think that the whole of my past is just memory. Every moment of pain, wonder, joy, confusion, every crush, every unforgettable feeling of knee-knocking fear, every betterfly in my stomach, every stubbed toe is now not even real or verifiable. Those moments are just grooves in a soft, easily squishable brain, folds in my cerebrum. That friend who betrayed me and who I haven’t spoken to in more than a year may as well be a ghost. She exists as I saw her only in my memory. My uncle, grandmother, aunt, grandfather… even my father… are all just memories now. From a child’s impressions of popcorn and poppins to a young woman’s helplessness at pain suffered, these people, once easily hugged and spoken to, are just memories now.

My life so far could’ve been a wasteland–I’d never know if all that I’ve felt is real or the drug-induced hallucinations of a crazed mind. And tomorrow, my life so far could just be wiped out by a careless blow to the head and then where would I be? Where would you be?

Does this sound like pseudo-Matrix-existentialist crap? Well, once I hit the “Publish” button, how can I even be sure I wrote it?

(DISCLAIMER: This is a serious one, so just skip if you’re not comfortable with serious things… I’m not going to try to be flippant and humourous. This is important to me.)

Why do most human beings feel this need to impose their will on others? They feel everyone must toe the line of their expectations and opinions. It’s such bullshit. What do these people want? Imagine if everyone did conform… Their perfect world of “acceptable” behaviour would be… mind-numbingly boring, with absolutely no variety whatsoever! Imagine if no one thought differently… There would still be oppression based on caste in India and based on race in some other countries… We would still all be forced to conform to a religion, whether we like it or not, or pay for non-conformity. Indians would still be subjugated. There would be no freedom of speech. No freedom of expression. No freedom of thought.

So why are we still trying to get people to do what is acceptable to a certain majority?

I have seen this very often. The minute someone does something different, there’s such a huge opposition to it. Ok, off the top of my head… Homosexuality! I can’t count the number of people whose reactions to homosexuals range from mild discomfort to wild opposition. I have no bone to pick with the mild discomfort camp. Sure, we’ve all been trained to think in a certain way from childhood and the idea of homosexuality may make them uncomfortable. Fair enough. Now how about shutting up and keeping your opinion to yourself? What absolutely pisses me off is people who go around saying “It’s unnatural!” blah blah blah. Well, it exists doesn’t it? That means nature created it so it’s NATURAL! And then there are those people saying it shouldn’t exist, it’s wrong. Oh, wait a minute. I think I missed something… Who died and made you judge of what is right and wrong?

I just don’t understand this need to tell everyone how to live. I mean, how does it matter how two consenting adults do their business? Is anyone forcing you to do it? Are they hurting anyone, physically? (I’m not talking about people ‘hurting’ puritanical sensibilities!) Then, HOW DOES IT MATTER? If you’re gonna talk about rape and stuff, tough news, it happens regardless of sexual orientation. So I think it’s best to set aside these silly notions that infringe on other people’s freedom to be who and what they are… We are all free human beings… But we can’t choose our sexuality, it’s inborn. And even if we could, why should we choose something just so that society will feel COMFORTABLE?

Oh, I’m not done yet. Another case of stepping outside the norms: Feminism. I have witnessed how people react to feminists, both in real life and otherwise. They are faced with great antagonism in general and in movies they are portrayed as stereotypical male-haters with short hair, either unmarried or divorced. The minute a feminist opens her mouth there’s this change in the atmosphere… It gets all charged with self-righteous anger from other people, like she’s a freak who’s disturbing the peace. Why is it wrong to stand up for rights? I mean, what modern feminism is about is basically individual rights, the freedom to be what you want to be, regardless of your sex. So if I, a woman, want to not have children, am I a freak? Don’t I get a say in what I want to do with my own body? If I don’t want to cook, clean AND work AND take care of my family… if I would prefer to be the ‘conventional’ housewife who stays home and doesn’t work, can’t I be that and still hold on to my individuality? If I am a man who prefers to wear pink and loves flowers, can’t I make that personal choice without being judged? Or if I feel I’m not happy with my gender, can’t I just change who I am? Or should I slog through life, working to keep society happy (like it can ever be happy!) only to end up being a miserable person?

Why do we all have to toe that invisible line? Why do we have to follow these unwritten rules even when they make no sense?

How many of you are wondering if I’m homosexual or a feminist right now? How many of you are judging me?

…But you know what? I don’t care!

Those really sappy songs say that the world goes around on love–or words to that effect. Now, I have nothing against sappy songs but I really beg to differ. I think it’s power that makes the world go ’round. Think about it… every human interaction is based on power. Starting from governments to your average boy-girl relationship, it’s all based on power.

Every conflict clearly proves this, because if you dissect every conflict to the basics, it’s about power. Think about everyone’s favourite ‘War Against Terrorism’. Even if it had simply been what it purported to be (which I very much doubt), it’s about “You’re killing of people everywhere” which leads to “You’re killing off people in my country” which leads to “You’re killing off people who voted for me and who are my supporters” which is basically talking about “ME ME ME”. You’re challenging my authority and power. So it’s a basic You Vs. Me struggle.

Now, the above illustration maybe very obvious. So, different situation. Two girls get into a fight over a guy that they’re both attracted to. They’ve never spoken to him, it’s not love at first sight, but they’re still quarreling over this guy cos they both want to ask him out or whatever. Notwithstanding the… silliness… of the situation, perhaps, it’s still a power struggle. It’s a I-deserve-better-than-you-cos-I-AM-better sort of thing.

And as for LOVE–which you might think is the end of this whole power theory–well, as for love, I think love is the final and ultimate power relationship. I refer again–really, not disparagingly–to sappy songs and poems. Love is not about caring and sharing and marriage and being together forever. Well, maybe on some levels, but it all leads to the same thing. Why do love someone? Usually because they love us. And if someone loves you, you have the power to hurt them. Hmm, do I see eye-rolling and you’re-being-cynical looks? But think about it. If what you did to someone wouldn’t affect them at all, they would be neutral–and that means they don’t LOVE you. Forget hurting. How about making someone happy, even a little bit. Wouldn’t you feel that a relationship with a friend/parent/spouse-figure/child/sibling’s going nowhere if you could neither hurt them nor make them happy?

Let’s also look at the so called “selfless” parent-child relationships. From the point of the view of the parent, it’s the “this is my territory” thing again in a different level. From the point of view of the child, it’s also the same thing.

What about unrequited love then? Some people go on loving someone even after rejection, heart break and plain despair. Why? I think they’re saying, “Ok, reject me if you want but you can’t stop me loving you. I have that bit of power in this–I can feel however I want to, you have no say about it.” It’s could also be a little bit of the martyred feeling that gives them a sort of high.

Are you horrified that a human being could be so cold about it? I’m sure there are millions of arguments against this stand of mine but I think there’s a grain of truth in it. That’s why human relationships seem meaningless at some point or the other. We all allow a little bit of the truth to shimmer through–that we’re all, ALL selfish deep down.

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Now playing: Farhat Bouallagui – Desert Rose
via FoxyTunes

What is the ugliest, most obscene sight I have seen in recent times? You perverts out there may put away your mental images. I just meant the sight of beautiful, strong trees in their prime having their roots exposed to the sun.

This is in protest of the government-sanctioned tree killings that have been going on recently on G N Chetty Road. This used to be a beautiful tree-lined avenue and just entering it on a hot day, you could feel the temperatures drop at least a degree.  But recently in the name of PROGRESS (don’t make me laugh!) at least 10 trees have been slashed down. For what? To build a frickin’ FLYOVER. What it all boils down to is this:

The bloody traffic police don’t care about controlling traffic, making sure rules are followed. Oh but wait, they do! But only when their finances are low and they need so ready cash. Then they’ll stop people for all reasons, take their money and send them on their way. If you’re wondering where this is leading, let me attempt an explanation. So, basically, these idiots can’t maintain discipline and so traffic jams up like crazy. And what do they do? No, they don’t make sure people don’t do idiotic things like jumping signals, respectiong “stop” lines. No, they decide to build a flyover which will only encourage more rule breaking and traffic and create horrible bottlenecks and snares in traffic (Gemini flyover being a prime example). Oh, but that’s ok… All that’s going to be wasted is the tax money of fool citizens who cough up. And oh, as a sidenote, a bunch of green-and-brown props on the side of the road. Trees.

Murder. That’s what this is. Am I being melodramatic? Good! I don’t give a damn. People just need to get melodramatic about things like this. Forget the fact that these trees, tall, lush and majestic have taken DECADES to grow (eyewitness accounts, thanks to my family that’s lived in T Nagar since forever), fighting against impossible Chennai summers, putting up with graffiti and disfigurement, etc. Forget the fact that trees actually have life and as much rights to live as a human beings. Forget the fact that trees are fricking scarce in chennai! Let’s forget all that and be the usual materialistic, self-centred human beings and come down to practicalities. These trees give SHADE. Now that’s essential in blisterin’ ole Chennai. And hello?! Are we forgetting things like oxygen cycles, ecology and global warming? What happened to all the environmental awareness? This is EXACTLY why the human race is doomed and is also sending the rest of the planet to its doom.

In college, the dear central government has added to our already heavy workload with a core paper called Environmental Studies. As I said before, don’t make me laugh. Cos I might just get hysterical (as if i’m not now!). Talk about irony!

How important is honesty, really?

I don’t mean the not-lying-to-your-friends type of honesty. It’s not even really a moral question. I mean honesty to yourself. I’ve always thought it was essential. But lying to yourself is such a comfort. Sometimes you need to have certain illusions about certain people and situations in order to be happy. You might know it deep inside that what you think–either negative or positive–is not really true. But we bury this knowledge sometimes in order to love or hate a person in peace. So if the thought slides to the surface, is it ok to push it away? Is it ok to lie to yourself?

Or am I gonna wake up one day and realise that a whole set of my beliefs are–or maybe even I am–actually no more substantial than a breeze?

Life moves on strangely. One year ago, you’re sitting in the same place, doing the same things. Endless, meaningless activities. “Hi”, “Goodbye”, “Awesome”, “I love you”, “Dammit”. Meaningless phrases that you use a million times.

Yet you’re so different inside now. You aren’t and can never be that person who sat there and said and did the same things as you do and say now. Every minute, this complex, confusing and evolving entity that is YOU keeps changing.

You look for stability. That’s very important. As is being constant. And dependable. You try to keep your morals, your opinions, your life, on one track. What a ridiculous notion. Yesterday you thought that metal wasn’t music, just noise. Yet today, you tap your foot to the rhythm, the music that your ears suddenly discover. Yesterday, the opposite sex was something mysterious and vaguely disgusting. Today, the opposite sex remains mysterious but disgusting? No.

Stability? Don’t make me laugh.

No matter who you are inside: a liar, a philosopher, a woman, a leaf, a musician, a thief, a poet… No matter who you are, be faithful to those notions of dependability. Be constant. Make yourself what you were yesterday. And so, fool yourself. That’s all right. As long as you don’t change.

Lying to the only person you have always been with from birth is all right. Go ahead.

It just struck me that it’s been more than a year since I started blogging. This led me to wonder if I’ve wasted a lot of web space and my time on this blog. What have I gained?

When I started, there were very few people I knew who blogged and the comments were few. But I kept blogging simply for the enjoyment if it and also because it was good practice for writing. Sure, I got a comment now and then and definitely got some irritating spam. But later, I roped a couple of my friends into blogging and somehow just found other Indian bloggers… and there were many more comments. So much so, I once had more than 30 comments for a two-line entry!

Blogging then began to seem to have a real community for itself, one with it’s own rules and etiquette: comment regularly, not just when you have a new entry up and so want to attract notice; be appreciative and put negative criticism nicely so as to not hurt fragile egos; if not, have the courage to say what you want without going anonymous–most bloggers detest anons!; or just don’t comment at all!; and, above all, to remember that what goes around, comes around, especially in such a small community.

But somehow, after a year of spacefillers, thoughts, jokes, comments and template changing, I got bored with blogging and eventually stopped. I’ve made some friends through blogging so I guess that’s one good thing. I don’t really care if my words are going to be immortalised by this blog or something equally dramatic. The blog has served it’s purpose.

And now I guess it has died a natural death at the ripe old age of one. I might revisit with a couple of “ghost” entries, but I pronounce this blog officially dead. The pawprints are left behind in the sands of time

Before I sign off, I’d like to say, thanks for reading, commenting, all the support and enthusiasm.

From comp crashes to crashes. Bytes to bytes.

Rest In Peace.

Morality is the most unnatural of human inventions. It goes against the basic nature of man–the very instinct of survival and procreation! We think it’s wrong to lie, murder and have indiscriminate sex because well… it’s wrong. But isn’t it a very basic instinct of survival–lying and murder to protect yourself and sex to procreate?

Now I’m not saying that I’m going to turn into a murderer or a liar or sleep with people whenever it takes my fancy. In fact, that’s the point I’m trying to make. I cannot do all these things because today’s society has deemed it immoral and even punishable because it harms the society.

So… it’s survival in another level isn’t it? Hmm. I seem to have argued myself into a box. Genius.

So much for the loooong post I envisioned. Ah, close this window and forget you ever read this! Unless you want to comment of course

Human existence is one of loneliness. We are forever surrounded by people–people who love us, people who hate us, or people who are just indifferent. Yet, at the end of the day, we are alone. By that, I don’t mean being left alone, deserted to the cruel clutches of fate or anything so dramatic. I just mean that no matter how many people are around us, we are isolated in ourselves–limited by the body to never experience what anyone else has experience in quite the same way; and limited by our minds to never think exactly as anyone else thinks. We exist in a bubble that will only admit one body, one mind and one soul (if you believe in souls, that is!) and nothing can really penetrate this bubble.

In fact, I think that the whole of human society is built around this. Man wants to escape this sense of loneliness and one way to do so is to surround himself with other humans who again exist in bubbles. The same goes with the whole concept of love, marriage, commitment, etc. People just need to feel that there’s someone who can remove them from that bubble and give them company. And so the whole concept of love and relationships of any kind becomes so important.

So everytime this feeling of oneness is threatened, man reacts in the most violent and primitive way possible. That’s why religion and patriotism are such touchy subjects and turns ever the most rational minds absolutely unreasonable. The circle of humanity surrounding them–either in the form of people of the same religion or of the same country–is being threatened. And this circle is very important to keep away the sense of loneliness. So obviously, a primal fear triggers a primitive reaction.

This also explains the abundance of conflict in any society. Every human is isolated and no matter how sympathetic a person can be, no one can really escape the confines of their bubble and enter another person’s bubble. So no one truly understands what anyone else is going through. And so people start quarreling.

At the end of the day, the undeniable fact remains that we are alone in everything we do. Does this seem to pessimistic and cynical? Well, I am pessimistic and cynical. Or maybe you just can’t see what I see from your bubble!

Human existence is one of loneliness. We are forever surrounded by people–people who love us, people who hate us, or people who are just indifferent. Yet, at the end of the day, we are alone. By that, I don’t mean being left alone, deserted to the cruel clutches of fate or anything so dramatic. I just mean that no matter how many people are around us, we are isolated in ourselves–limited by the body to never experience what anyone else has experience in quite the same way; and limited by our minds to never think exactly as anyone else thinks. We exist in a bubble that will only admit one body, one mind and one soul (if you believe in souls, that is!) and nothing can really penetrate this bubble.

In fact, I think that the whole of human society is built around this. Man wants to escape this sense of loneliness and one way to do so is to surround himself with other humans who again exist in bubbles. The same goes with the whole concept of love, marriage, commitment, etc. People just need to feel that there’s someone who can remove them from that bubble and give them company. And so the whole concept of love and relationships of any kind becomes so important.

So everytime this feeling of oneness is threatened, man reacts in the most violent and primitive way possible. That’s why religion and patriotism are such touchy subjects and turns ever the most rational minds absolutely unreasonable. The circle of humanity surrounding them–either in the form of people of the same religion or of the same country–is being threatened. And this circle is very important to keep away the sense of loneliness. So obviously, a primal fear triggers a primitive reaction.

This also explains the abundance of conflict in any society. Every human is isolated and no matter how sympathetic a person can be, no one can really escape the confines of their bubble and enter another person’s bubble. So no one truly understands what anyone else is going through. And so people start quarreling.

At the end of the day, the undeniable fact remains that we are alone in everything we do. Does this seem to pessimistic and cynical? Well, I am pessimistic and cynical. Or maybe you just can’t see what I see from your bubble!