Meanderings…

Laziness is truly underrated. As a society we have become slaves to this thing called hard work (more picturesquely and reduplicatedly [is that even a word? Hmm, well now it is.] termed “surusuruppu” in Tamil). Apparently it’s so misunderstood that certain people even group it under a list called the “Seven Deadly Sins” where laziness in the name of Sloth parties with other cool doods like Lust and Pride. Well, forgive me, for I have sinned! In fact, I’ve been  sinning all my life!

See, this is part of the whole “banning the good things in life” conspiracy that people indulge in. Like the whole hullabaloo over Valentine’s Day in Karnataka (which, hellooo…?, goes on in a smaller, quieter way all the time in Singara Sennai anyway!) Because laziness is fun. It’s cool. Everyone wants to do it, but few can perfect it to an art form (as I have) (modest smile).

Ok, I can hear a few disbelieving snorts. See, this is what I mean by laziness being misunderstood. You disbelieving-snorters must be wondering what could be so challenging about sleeping in, lying about all day and postponing/not even thinking about all that work you have to do. Now, I’ll give you that a person who does these things is undoubtedly lazy. But she’s not Lazy. She has not committed the sin of Sloth. She will not hang out in hell with the Lustful Ones and the Proud Ones. No indeed. What she will do is put on a couple of kgs, develop bed sores or die when no one was looking (depending on how lazy she is.)

So, you ask, your disbelieving snorts turning into expressions of puzzlement, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU RAMBLING ABOUT, YOU PRAT?! Ah, well, *stalls while furiously flipping through notes for the point* I mean… Ah yes! those of the capital-L ilk of the Slothful have certain qualities which the average beach bum does not. (No offence to beach, or any other kind, of bums.) See, these creatures have a certain air about them that doesn’t just come from living in close prximity to unmade beds or overflowing workspaces or cobwebby ceilings. No, that air of indolence, of otiosity, of sheer fainéance (yes, yes, I do have thesaurus.com open in a parrallel tab. So, you learned some new words, don’t grumble! ) that surrounds the Idler has a deeper, more profound reason. You see, “Laziness if not a state of being, it is a Way of Life”*. To achieve that transcendental state of Languour, you must free yourself from those troublesome bonds that plague human beings on earth–the curse of the Mind. Yes, the mind is a great deterrent to Laziness. It clouds your judgement and obscures the world of Matter, which is where one must dwell. The mind, it does the one fell, evil thing that condemns you to the base land of the Small-L: It makes you think!

Ah, yes, now you see it–we reach the heart of the matter! So, one may sit around doing nothing, but at one point, the Mind worms its dark tentacles to wrap you in a death grip. You begin to worry or think or (gasp!) get BORED! And so, one more falls.

And this is where the Lazy ones differ from ordinary mortals. By a set of methods that are so complicated that they became so easy that only the truly lazy can perceive them, it is possible achieve the divine Way of the Niryawna. Here, the mind is shut off, as definitely as a laptop with no battery or a government office during lunchtime. Such a Non-Mind will not allow the smallest twig of worry or the softest whisper of a thought to disturb it. Not only does it not allow anything to distub it, but is like the still, sluggish surface of a swamp on a hot day: stewing in its own juices and swallowing anything that comes its way so no trace of the disturbance is left!

Once this state of inertia is achieved, the Lazy one may go for hours and hours with absolutely no thoughts, no worries, nothing even remotely resembling an action. The Non-Mind is blessedly blank, snoozing away. And this is not as boring as it sounds (besides, the fact is that the Blessed are beyond boredom, remember?) One may stare at a screen/page for hours while nothing is going on behind the eyes. One may appear to be listening intently to a conversation/lecture while secretly sleeping in one’s head. Of course, one may decide to descend upon Earth once in a while, out of pity for the unfortunate mortals, but this is entirely optional.

Ah. Bliss.

And that is why We the Languourous are envied. Jealous-ed, even. And, inevitably, persecuted. Sigh. I hope you realize the dangers I have put my own Rest to by trying to enlighten you! But never mind, my child. The Snooze forgives.

Now go read the Ode to Indolence

—–

*The Holy Snore-Yawn, Chapter 1, verse 24: And so the ‘N’lightened One said unto them, “Go forth and slumber, ye  bustling hordes, for Laziness is not a state of being but a Way of Life.”

(… As opposed to waxing, get it? Sigh. I must stop explaining my jokes.) You may ignore this if you a like. Just a little parody for my amusement…

I’ve just eaten my fill and
I’m ravanous
I’ve just woken and
I’m already sleepy

every hour I’m away seems
like a second.
the minute I return
stretches for hours

your eyes are like endless pools of warm honey
but really, closer to molten lava in hell
your voice is dark and smooth like chocolate
or rather like a blackboard when nails rake it.

serious symptoms of an illness, you’d think
but my love, these are symptoms
of the long-awaited cure:
I’m falling out of love!

–Cooling off in the middle of a darn good temper tantrum!

Come on, we all love a good temper tantrum once in a way. Ok, why the blank look and raised eyebrow? You don’t?! Well, I do! And let me tell you, there is nothing worse that working yourself up to a good sulk or outright tantrum and then realizing you’ve stopped being angry with whatever or whoever it is that gifted you with just that mood. You just feel so… betrayed and let down by yourself, but not enough to inspire another sulk. It’s like being offered a whole bar of chocolate all to yourself and then, when you’re halfway through it, being told that’s all you can have. Oh, the cruelty of it!

Sulk Rating: 8 FF*

– Morning People!

Ye gods! These creatures actually believe in such concepts as “Early to bed and early to rise”, “Humans are not nocturnal creatures”, “Breakfast at 7 am” and even “11 o’clock is nearly afternoon”, for crying out loud! I mean, come on! I go to bed early and rise early too–in the morning and evening respectively! Breakfast at 7? Brunch all the way. And 11 a.m. is the time you crack one eye open and decide to set an alarm to wake you in an hour! And humans, NOT nocturnal? Then how exactly would you explain the reason for the stars and the moon to exist other than to light up our nights?! Hello? Go read up your science. Sheesh.

Ok, having to put up with these creatures’ quaint ideas is bad enough. But to endure their cheerfulness when you’re forced to rise before noon and rummaging about the room (if you share one with them) when you can sleep in, it’s just tooooo much I say!

Sulk Rating: 8.5 FF

–The bus starting just before you get off!

This happens more and more to me these days. I, of course, am always the LAST person to get down at any given stop and the drivers take perverse pleasure in starting the bus when I’m one foot on and one foot off. As a result of which, I step down and have to do an ungainly little dance to the amusement of everyone (including the people in the bus, people on the streets, the snoozing street dog and the lamp-posts.) Foooh! (The sound of steam coming out of my ears)

Sulk Rating: 6.5 FF

–Finding that thing you were looking for for so long! [For for? ]

Ok, you might be puzzled by that. But what your forgetting is that, according to the Holy Murphy’s Laws (which sometimes seem more verifiable and relevant than Newton’s), this can only mean that you’d given up looking for that thing only a few days/minutes ago and bought (or married!) something else… Ah, the look on one’s face then in priceless.

Rating: 8 FF

–ZITS!

So yes, the summer has been upon us for a couple of months and, unfortunately, as summers tend to be, I have started LEARNING things. Sigh. An unfortunate side-effect of being utterly vetti I guess. It’s most disappointing. I never went about arbitrarily LEARNING things when I was in college! Why should I now, when the days should be spent in decadent wastefulness? Sigh again. Anyway, here are these great lessons:

- Celebrity Crushes Are Fun!
Beside the garden variety everyday crush, which is often painful and almost always embarrassing, there is the Special Realm of the Celebrity Crush (hmm, what’s with the capitals, you ask? No idea!) Now, the thing about the CC is the ridiculous ease of accessibility to the object of your interest/affection/desire/lust (ha!). One google search for certain strangely attractive cricketers and there are about a million pictures to go ga-ga over. One foray of television channels and there’s Hrithik Roshan, bulging muscles, yummy eyes, cute extra digit et al! Now, a few heart aches could be caused by little factors such as… “Oh no, (dramatic hand-to-forehead) Christian Bale is married!” or “Damn that Deepika Padkone, trying to steal my guy!” or “Ah, if only my lowe wasn’t straight…” But overall, your friends tease you and you grin along, safe in the knowledge that you’ll never get caught in THAT trap, at least!

- It’s Possible to Do a Lot of Nothing
Now this might sound like something Garfield would make up, but it’s true! You can pretend to read… while doing nothing. You can pretend to watch television… while doing nothing. You can pretend to be online, doing important things… while doing nothing. Well, you get the drift! It’s a glorious feeling when you look back at a long day of doing nothing. In fact, I plan to write a book about it, Doing and Nothingness. I’m sure it’ll be more popular and… “experienceable” than Sartre’s similar ramblings.

- The Sad Truth about People
It’s a sad truth that people have an endless capacity to deceive themselves. Some (no links here, sorry ) would even sink into melodrama and self-pity rather than admit that they might have done something wrong or work at a compromise. Ah, well, it takes all sorts of nuts to make a fruitcake.

- The Happy Truth About People
You know there’s always another side to the grass but both the less green and the greener sides can be on your own lawn! Ok, ok, I’ll stop talking in metaphors before you throw something at me. It’s just that the happy truth about people is that PEOPLE CAN BE WONDERFUL! Sure, we’re all full of faults and no way is anybody perfect but still, there are people who will understand you and respect you for what you are and bother to stick with you even when you’re being a total loser or completely lame That’s what makes the fruitcake sweet, after all! (Ok, I promise, no more cliched metaphors!)

- Being a Girl is Fun
Yes, yes, we all know it’s a hard world to be a woman in. Men constantly come up with trivial complaints about how difficult life is for men but it’s obviously just men being men. It’s often the case that women wish they were men but at the end of the day, I realise it’s fun to be a girl! I mean, womes are so comfy in fun sleepovers where previously mentioned objects of interest/affection/desire/lust are drooled over, fashion, world affairs and everything else are discussed, clothes and weird hairstyles are tried out, crazy pictures are taken and hysterical laughter goes on for several minutes over nothing. Now, not being a man, I can’t imagine what male sleepovers (sorry, is that an oxymoron? Let’s call it something more MANLY… Hmm, ok BOOZE PARTY!) are like but I doubt there’s any of the emotional sharing that women do. Wow, I’m being so sexist. It rocks! So yeah, go, girlpower!

- Coo-coo-cooking!
Ah yes, I have leanred rudimentary skills at the kitchen. Never thought the day would come when the old family joke about me having to marry a chef could be shelved. Well, I still wouldn’t go THAT far but I’ve learned some basics. Such as how to make scrambled eggs (ahem, the broken eggs and the weird smell in the kitchen will NOT be mentioned, atomic!) and chapati and dosa and rava idli! So yes, I might survive on my own, provided there are convenient Spencer’s Dailies in every corner to buy bread, idli/dosa mav and eggs from. Hehe.

Oh, there’s more but all this writing really is getting in the way of my “doing nothing” campaign. So it’s bye-bye for now